Been a long time........

So it's been a VERY long time since I wrote in my blog, and LOTS has happened. I have had my ups and downs, really low downs, and great ups. But now I am at a 'normal' level of contentment. I am in a show (which is another reason i have not had much time to write). We open in like two weeks! AH!!! Scary....anyway, so that's where I have been. I am just trying to keep up with school, show, religion, and trying to do whats right. I am learning that I need to be more patient and work harder to achieve what I want in life. Anyone who has learned these lessons, knows they are not easy to learn or to live with. So that is my challenge for the past year, and especially now in life. I am trying really hard to change my attitude towards everything and have a better spirit about me-be more Christ like. So my point is, you can only do your best. Be the person God and Christ want you to be-this does not mean perfection. If you are doing your best, They will carry you the rest of the way.
-Cameron

True or not...

So whether it's true or not I feel like I am a destroyer of lives-or at least a big contributor. I feel like I let people down all the time, especially my parents. They taught me well and gave me all the tools to succeed but I didn't follow them. I am not their perfect son. I feel like I have failed them because I am not going on a mission.

I have caused pain and anguish to many people especially the past couple years. I want to tell them all that I am sorry. I can't take back what I have done, but I can apologize. And I hope that that will be good enough.

Today as I drove to school, I almost got in a car crash. If we would have crashed, it would have been completely my fault and I guarantee that both the girl and I would have gotten hurt.

Everything has been going really well lately, but for some reason 'The Deceiving one' has gotten to me this morning.

Once again I wish to I'm sorry for all and any pain that I have caused people, especially the people who actually follow this. PLEASE let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to make up for it.

-Cameron

3 in the morning...

I know that I had set my blog to private so whoever is reading this would not have to read my depressing rants. But this morning I realized what's the point in that? Yes I might write a lot of negative things on here, but if I block it how can I share any of the good?!

So it is now almost 3 in the morning. I just finished reading my scriptures and my saying my prayers. While I was accomplishing these things I could not help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside-a swelling of love, thankfulness, and dare I say it-joy! Here is a recap of the last few days of my week:

Monday: Sang at FHE (went well), hopefully gained some fans for when I make my demo and cd (cross your fingers).

Tuesday: Had a GREAT 'voice' lesson with Jim-we talked for an hour and twenty min about confidence, inferiority, and self-esteem. I also had my first rehearsal for Forever Plaid Tidings (I got the part!).

Wednesday: Stressed out (freak out attack), performed in class (went well), and studied my guts out.

One of the main things I am really thankful for this week is for my talk with Jim. Everyone is human and we cannot all measure up on the same yardstick. I wish I could have recorded the whole conversation and typed it up. It was awesome! Hopefully next week I will also sing at my voice lesson :0)

So far I LOVE working on Forever Plaid Tidings! It's my first big part out of high school, and it's going to be a 'pee-your-pants' funny show.

Anyway, I hope all of that will scramble together and make some kind of sense to whoever reads this thing.

-Cameron

Waste of Time

It's amazing how fast things can change between a pair or even a group of people. I never thought that something like this could happen...but of course it did! I am seriously starting to think that it is just a mistake to trust people. No one is going to be there forever so what's the point. They might be around for while, but it doesn't mean you completely count on them. It's all just a waste of time. Even the people you think you can trust, you really can't. Lesson learned I guess...again! I'm done with being a sap. Everyone stabs you in the back at somepoint-whether it's something they say, do or even looks they give you. People don't own up to their word. I've been betrayed again. It's all just a waste of time!

Trust...? HA!

Why is it that everyone abandons you, whether it's completely or just in certain areas? My really close friends that I draw a lot of comfort from are spread out all over Utah. The people I trust are all gone. But once again, abandonment has happend to me again! And yes I am angry about it!

Touched....in a good way :-)

Even though this week is not over I think it is safe to say THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT WEEK! I feel like I have gotten a lot done this week. Today my mom called and she told me how proud she was of me and everything that I have been working on. It was exactly what I needed to hear-I was touched. I am a very self conscious person, and always feel like I am making mistakes, and just to hear that from my mom was great! I am very grateful for my mom, the rest of my family, friends, church leaders, and everyone in my life.

Outcast...?

As today has passed, I have realized that I have made myself an outcast.....I was supposed to go iceblocking, attend the WSU tailgate party/homecoming game with Sitcom and bunch of other people-but as the time came I didn't hear from anyone who was planning on going. And I didn't have the guts to call or text anyone-a part of me didn't want to go, therefore I made myself the outcast. Earlier tonight my roommates invited some of our friends to come over to watch a movie and play games. The whole time I kept to myself, in my little corner and longed to be 'part of the group' but never did anything about it. I don't know why I have the tendency to pull away from others-especially from large groups of people. You would think that I would be great with large groups of people because I perform, but I'm not. I don't know if I just don't share the humor, or am selfish or what. I have also noticed and been informed that I always stay in my room and keep to myself-once again I don't know why...I wish I knew.

Longing to be one with the group
they would accept if I didn't refuse.
but something inside keeps me from moving.
so alone I sit, and look on in
the laughing and loving taking place before my eyes.
Wondering why I can't change and be part
of the group that's accepting and willing.


I can't believe I am posting something so stupidly written, but there it is.

Splattering on my blog wall...

It has been FOREVER since I have written in this....Here are my really lame excuses: I moved and didn't have Internet for a while, and the first week of school-everything has been absolutely CRAZY!

I have mixed feelings about a lot of things right now...everything seems to be flying in every direction. This past week has just been a complete roller coaster of emotions. I really don't know what else to say about it....i guess I just feel lost and alone-even though I know I am not. I have the best support system in the world.

I am trying really hard not to be down on myself, but I can't help feeling down. I never seem to be good enough-to others, and especially myself. I need to know who I am and present it to the world with confidence. My only problem is I can't seem to figure it out. I know that I cannot go anywhere in my career/church/life until I can get past a lot of these hurdles. And everyone keeps telling me how to do it, and I never seem to be able do them right or enough. I just feel lost.

Also, I think that something is wrong with me....I am ALWAYS tired/exhausted, and I make sure I get 7-9 hours of sleep a night. I don't know what the heck is going on with me, but I want it to STOP! It's very hard to live life with my normal issues, but with this it is almost paralyzing.
Not to mention I have gained weight, and half my clothes don't fit! I figure, without money to buy food, and no money to buy clothes it should work out in my favor.

Shall I get on the topic of money? My parents are doing their best to help support me in school, and I am still pretty much living off of my parents. They are pressuring me into getting a job, and I am trying but I don't have really any job skills. My scholarship was cut in half this year. I can't seem to get any other scholarships. I have no idea how I am going to pull this off.

Sorry, this is all a bunch of ranting and raving, and probably won't make much sense. But here it is-my emotional splatterings.

Where did they come from?

After a day of church, and some packing, I decide to read. As I read, I just start thinking about where I am in life and all of that kind of stuff. I continue to read, and feelings come out of no where-fear, hopelessness, loneliness, and something else that is indescribable. Even now as I write this, that indescribable feeling is still with me...I wish I could explain it. It's not a good feeling. It's almost like these feelings are hovering around me, but not able to penetrate into my soul...I know that sounds completely crazy...but it's true. Satan is trying to get to me. Make me discouraged, and hate myself. But like I said those feelings are only hovering. I had a blessing from my bishop today. And I have been praying all day for a lot of different things. And now as I write this, I feel so grateful that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me, and protecting me.

A New House

So today I and a couple of my friends signed a lease on a house. It's a really cool house, and it will be fun. The exception: I found out yesterday that one of my best friends, bookworm, is not able to move in with us...What I am about to say might take away some of my masculinity but, I cried for almost two hours when I found out. Bookworm is like the brother I never had. Yes, I have a brother, but we never really acted like brothers; we are not that close. But Bookworm and I are extremely close. So of course I was sad when I found out. Everyone in the house was. It will still be fun, but it will not be the same without him there.

Most of us in the house are friends, but it's also a little hard knowing that the two guys that I am good friends with are best friends and I am out on the edge. I know things will be fine, I guess it will just take some getting used to. I can't live with Bookworm.

Oh the sadness of my poor and pathetic life! I'm pretty sure if Shakespeare was alive and my age he would say it that way :-) .......or not. Whatever.

Grateful

So I was saying my prayers last night, and I was overcome with gratitude and thanks for everything that the Lord as given me-the people in my life: family friends, etc. They all do so much for me, and most of them don't even realize it. My parents, my bishop, Sitcom, and Bookworm are some of my greatest examples; they show true love for the gospel, and they live it. Through thick and thin, these people have been by my side, and I am so grateful for them, their attitude, and the example that they show me.

Another thing that I was grateful for was my opportunities/talents. I am currently in a show and I was disappointed when I was cast because it seemed like a small and insignificant part. But as rehearsals have continued I have learned, even though it is a small part, I am learning skills (mainly tap) that will help further my performing career. I am learning to enjoy my role, and love others as they do well in their roles.

I am so grateful for music! The spirit it can bring into a room, and a persons heart is incredible. It has changed my life-helping me realize my mistakes and helping me towards the right path again.

But most of all, I am grateful for the gospel; especially repentance and the atonement. Let's just say without them I would be completely screwed. The fact that Christ would suffer for you and me, bleeding from every pore, and eventually giving his life so we could have the opportunity to repent and live again is so astounding to me. I am so grateful that we have the opportunity to repent. We do not need to be perfect, just strive to be.

These things are just a few things that I was completely overcome with gratitude for. Even now, I am still astounded. Thank you to everyone in my life.

My Near Death Experience!!!

So Sitcom convinced me to get up at 6 AM (yes, in the morning!) to go running with her. First off, FAT men don 't run....and second, I am sick. So of course throught the trail I was having a heartattack and could not breath, and pretty much almost died! Not a surprise right? I knew I was going to do die-yet I did it anyway....sigh. Oh well. Have a GREAT day :-)